I Hope My Kids Don't See This

-The fragrance worn on the field by your San Francisco Giants: Lefty-Righty Obsession by Bruce Bochy.

-First it seemed obsessive to include Randy Winn's consistent .260 bat in the middle of our lineup. Instead now I believe it is the establishment attempting to squeeze every last drop out of the ol' workhorse before he heads for other pastures in the winter.

-When Nate Schierholtz reaches safely, I say, "Eat your pancakes, Nate the Great," in homage to the Marjorie Sharmat series of child detective novels.

-Most of you wouldn't care, but the most important baseball book released this year was Bruce Weber's As They See 'Em: A Fan's Travel in the Land of Umpires. It mostly told me what I already knew: you have to possess a tweak in the brain to want that job, as well as too much luck.

-I saw Safeco Field back in May. It's pretty, safe, and non-threatening, like the rest of Seattle. And all over the yard, it's Ken Griffey this, Ken Griffey that, because that's largely all they've got to daydream about. At least the MLS Sounders are around to keep Seattleites company.

-Ever wonder why you never see Matt Cain and cartoon funnyman Bobby Hill in the same place at the same time?

-Yet another year with home-field advantage for the American League thanks to Bud's idiotic decision to have that hinge on the outcome of the All-Star Game. Hurts my spleen just thinking about it.

-To the surprise of many, Ron Washington has the Rangers within striking distance. Too bad their offense decided to take an early holiday.

-Well, the A's handed the Cardinals the pennant vis-a-vis Matt Holliday.

-The culture of expectations has reanimated at AT&T Park. Cheering for Barry Zito? That never ever happened before.

-Stephen Strasburg and Scott Boras took WSH to the cleaners, natch.

-A. Bartlett Giamatti is still dead.

-David Eckstein : starting second baseman :: Rutherford B. Hayes : president of the United States

-Last night's Yank-Jay brawl: reinforcement that no matter how much money, power, fame, games on the rest of the American League East, or empty front-row seats that the Bronx Bombers possess, they will always assume you're undermining them and act accordingly. And of course, it ain't Papa Torre in there to pacify everyone now. It's Mastah Chief Joe Girardi, who still wants to rumble at any opportunity. Jesse Carlson earned that knot on his forehead, although he should have truly been backing up the throw, not moseying over to the wrong side of the plate, standing on the train tracks to await Jorge Posada's arrival. And you had to bray like a mule after Posada's sheepish statement that he hopes his kids won't see him throwing the weakest forearm since A-Rod slapped the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove.

-Fire Joe Morgan, to which my blog owes its namesake, roasts "scrappy ballplayers" like Eckstein in their triumphant reunion on Deadspin today. Holla back. Read More!

Madison's Avenue

The San Francisco Chronicle's Henry Schulman reported at 3:00 p.m. that Giants superstar farmhand Madison Bumgarner might be taking Tim Lincecum's start. By 3:20 KNBR knew about it. By 3:50, as of this writing, Giants skipper Bruce Bochy is speaking to the press about Lincecum's sore back and the meteoric, surprising promotion of prize pupil Bumgarner, who went 12 up and 2 down with a 1.85 ERA in 25 appearances (24 starts) with High-A San Jose and Double-A Connecticut this summer.

Folks who ponied up to watch a Franchise start tonight against Your Padres (GG, Ted Leitner) will pull off their iPods upon arrival at 24 Willie Mays Plaza to discover that the newest member of the Giants family - though not nearly as new as Giants radio man Dave Flemming's son, whom Dave's wife Jess birthed over the weekend - will skip all the dress rehearsals and proceed immediately to opening night at the Philharmonic.

Youth definitively and righteously wasted on the young. It's the Giants' way.

Other deep thoughts, cheap shots and Bon Scotts:

-Brad Penny is the embodiment of Karl Stiglitz, the most Basterdly of all Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds. He is the fireman. Adrian Gonzalez barely admired his 36th tater of the season off Penny yesterday, and Penny went all Roger-Clemens-on-Mike-Piazza on the poor lad. Penny came here on a mission from God to eradicate all National League West foes. His scheduled Saturday start (though now it too might be shifted) against the True Blue should be the stuff of legend.

-Prince Fielder has received a free coupon for a buzzcut upon his first sashay into the batter's box against the Giants in 2010.

-Remember Matt Williams lost the third base job in 1989, took his lumps and hugged it out in Triple-A Phoenix for a few months, then came back to join the party? Eugenio Velez has enjoyed a similar maturation process. He's figured it out.

-We had consensus among the rank-and-file that Juan Uribe would have to earn the late Jose's famous moniker and accompanying chorus refrain. He has.

More later. Yardbird is headed to the yard with his kin. Read More!

Come Back Thome

On August 31, Kenny Williams, the irreverant executive that he is, took a page straight out of a seventh-grade girl's spiral-bound handbook. Instead of studying the rosters of farm systems around the league and placing phonecalls to those that had young talent to trade him for his aging veterans, he made a list. On this list he put every player of his team whom he considered available on the final day to make a waiver deal. It was essentially a note, passed through the back row of class to all his buddies, like Ned Colletti, that read, for each of the players on the list:

DO YOU LIKE ME? CHECK ONE:

YES [ ]
NO [ ]
MAYBE [ ]

Classy.

Well, good old Ned checked a "Yes" for aging left-handed slugger Jim Thome, while Kenny Boy got the Rockies to bite on Jose Contreras. It was a pretty nifty little trick- dispensing with all that "homework" usually involved in trade talks- until we all saw how little the South Sox got in return.

After decimating their farm system by giving up their top four pitchers in a couple of disastrous trades with the A's and Padres over the last two years, the South Siders were in desperate need of some top level talent to restock the farm system. So in trading the man currently ranked 12th on the all-time home run list, you would expect at least a decent mid-level prospect in return, right? Needless to say, that didn't happen. Instead, they got a 25-year-old mired in A-Ball with a career OPS of less than .700. Yikes.

Meanwhile, Colorado continued to employ the "well-you-were-a-shitty-pitcher-in-Chicago-so-you-should-be-great-here" strategy for their season in acquiring Contreras, who leads the American League with 12 losses. Williams may have made off slightly better in his returns here, but again has shown us again how short-sighted he can be (even while off-loading veterans!) in whom he took in return.

Brandon Hynick is a 24-year-old who has spent all season at Triple-A Colorado Springs and tossed two seven-inning shutouts this year, including a perfect game against Portland on July 30th. Sounds pretty good right? We'll take him!

Of course, outside of those two starts he is just 8-9 with a 4.21 ERA and has struck out only 92 in 155 innings. Hmm... kind of reminds you of a poor man's version of someone else...

The point is, Williams threw in the towel on his season for the same reason he makes most of his decisions- to prove a point. Not to make his team better for the future, or even save money (the Sox sent cash to the Dodgers to offset Thome's remaining salary). Just because he wanted to. It will be fun to see Williams says about Jake Peavy once he realizes he won't pitch again until next year. Perhaps he'll start spreading nasty rumors about him, or ban him from sitting at the same lunch table.

Whatever he does, I know this much: I just can't wait to see what junior-high tactic he will employ next. Read More!

A Brief Thought Before Giants-Phillies

Shaun Wright-Phillips, winger for English Premier League side Manchester City, has in soccer circles developed a reputation for streakiness: he can serve as a bolt of lightning for his club at times, but when playing away from Manchester - and especially on the continent in European competitions - Wright-Phillips faces stern criticism for turning into the invisible man. It's as though Shaun cannot fully function when he plays in away matches.

Unlike the young and energetic Wright-Phillips, who carries some heavy expectations as the adopted son of legendary English striker Ian Wright, the young and energetic 2009 San Francisco Giants faced no such expectations coming out of Scottsdale in the spring. Yet, judging by the Giants' road record as of September 1 (28-38), the homesickness neurosis seems just as prevalent. The Giants' reputation for visiting skittishness, especially playing on Eastern Time, precedes them as they engage tonight in the club's most important road trip in five years.

The Giants' hosts this evening, the defending world champion Philadelphia Phillies, endure the exact opposite neurosis - just 34-30 at Citizens Bank Park, and an astonishing 44-21 as a visiting team. (The latter counterbalances San Francisco's commendable 40-26 mark at AT&T Park.)

I remind you of these facts, ladies and gentlemen, to briefly illustrate the difference between playing in Philly, whose fans maintain perenially unreasonable expectations, and The City, whose fans are largely pleased if the Dodgers don't do a rain dance on the Giants' faces. We never expected as much of Alex Smith in a lifetime as Philly fans expect of Donovan McNabb every waking hour of his life. Then again, all Donovan McNabb, when healthy, has done is to sustain his status as one of the best five quarterbacks in the NFL in every season he has fully played. And all Alex Smith did is to show up and steal our bacon. Read More!